Analysis of a "Mom"

I am a "mom." In any and all social setups, I am the responsible one, the reasonable one, the one who understands, forgives and always, always helps. Being a "mom" allowed me to put myself in situations that would usually be to risqué for me, let me go places and do things that my over-analytical, hypersensitive, constantly worried mind would have never permitted otherwise, things I deemed too stereotypically teenage, too 'normal'.

Mind you, I am not talking about any reckless or overly dangerous behaviour here, no trespassing, no vandalism, no violence. I mean the simplest, most teenage things, such as going to parties on the weekend, drinking, making out with strangers, fighting with friends, fighting with my parents, staying out beyond curfew, confessing my love...all the things that everyone around me is doing constantly, is doing well, all the things that I believe can fill me with a pleasing sensation of eternity, of shared teenage 'angst and struggle', of freedom.

Of course, it's great that I do this, that I am this person. Because of me, my friends don't drink more than they want to, don't do things they'll regret later on and are forced to consider the consequences of their actions. Because of me, things don't turn out too bad and even if they do, I'm there to help cope.

But what happens if and when I want to be the "bad" one, the irresponsible one? Who will take care of me? My resolution for 2017 was to leave my comfort zone and do all the things I wouldn't let myself do because I thought they were not responsible enough, not intelligent enough, too stereotypically teenage, too "normal." But will I really manage? Will I be able to get over my brain, which seems to function more like that of a 45 year-old mother than of the 15 year-old that it belongs to? Does the fact that I take care of everyone around me mean I have to give up on all the feelings I want to feel, all the experiences I want to have and all the people I want to meet? And if it comes to the ultimate choice: will I choose my wish for living and feeling over the constant safety and happiness of my friends?

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I'm Meret, 15, born and raised in Berlin // I spend half of my life at school and the other half eating, sleeping or online // Self-proclaimed art hoe, feminist and generally loving person// @meretweber